Life So Far...pt. 14

Hello.

As you can tell, I haven't started with my usual preppy introduction. It's not going to be one of those journal entries. So if you don't like hearing, seeing or reading negative things then you should probably read something else. But, I feel as though I owe it to you guys, and that you deserve some form of explanation as to why I've been on hiatus pretty much this whole year. So, understandably, this entry will be the most comprehensive journal from me that you’ve read so far…I mean, if you care enough to read it anyway. So, where to start?

In my last journal entry, I outlined how I'd been suffering from depression and how my ex boyfriend ended our relationship over a year ago now. So you'd think I'd be OK after a few months, with A Levels and friends to distract me. Nope. Things did not get better AT ALL. Sure I got a few new friends, re connected with old ones and had a few good opportunities here and there, as well as getting the grades ACC in my AS exams. But its really meaningless when contrasted to the horrible year I've had.

Understandably, following the end of my first relationship, my depression immediately got worse. I literally didn't eat for 3 days straight because I was so heartbroken. I confessed to my parents how I'd been feeling for the past couple of months and in particular what had happened that Tuesday. Tears were shed, but my family and I decided from that point forward we would work to improve our relationship and communication for the better. Family part done. But from then onwards, school quickly became hell. Friends found out about the break up, tried comforting us and one in particular tried setting me up with one of her mates saying that I as "better than having to chase someone" (REMEMBER THIS!).

However, I subsequently became bullied by his friends and people who I thought were my friends- for no apparent reason, and I had done nothing to them. So I couldn't understand why they'd choose to behave this way towards me. They're smart enough to know how easy it is to hurt someone, to destroy their life. But they're dumb enough to start, let alone continue, hurting someone and thrive off of their pain and misery, because they find it conveniently comical. And you can imagine that it didn't make things better. And that girl I was telling you about earlier...found she was chasing him, even though she had no interest in him prior (she's interested in someone else now apparently, but it hurt that she'd stab me in the back like that and show off IN FRONT OF ME, thinking she was sly). I also outlined in my last entry that I wasn't receiving any form help. My emotional distress reached a point where I received counselling. I won't reveal her name, but for now we'll call her Mrs Angel. She has honestly been...somewhat of a guardian angel to me this past year. She's unconditionally listened, been there for me at my lowest points this past year. I probably wouldn't have survived without her.

That's not an exaggeration; the depression became worse, because people kept bailing out on me (to put it politely) and hurting me, JUST as I was starting to make progress. It was like milestones to be honest. It got to a point where people I thought cared turned around and hurt me last minute; it was incredibly bad luck that I’d happened to be feeling insanely depressed and paranoid that day…it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what had happened. I’ve never experienced anything like it before, and I never want to experience anything like it AGAIN. I’ve never had such a throbbing headache…nor have I ever spent that many hours in the hospital. My name is in those files forever. Of course my ex was curious, since the others refused to tell him. But when I worked up the balls to tell him in an effort to stop this nonsense between us, he was callous…he might as well as have said “I don’t give a shit”. Because that was exactly what it was like. And once upon a time…we loved each other once.

So after Year 12 was officially over, I called it quits for the summer and just prayed that spending time with 70 or so people for a good month would be better than this. And it was. A week after school ended, I went off to do NCS The Challenge (if you don’t live in the UK then you won’t know about it, but it is a youth programme for 16-17 olds around the country). We spent our first week in Yorkshire and oh my god it was so much fun. I never felt more in place with, ironically, a group of strangers. The whole thing lasted a few weeks, and then some in September but overall, the experience was amazing. The camping, the banter…they’ve changed my life for the better. I managed to gain my authority, my confidence and savageness back. But it didn’t stop me from being terrified for September.

My paranoia was high but it quickly became unnecessary to me. A lot of good things happened. I became a Social Events Ambassador in my sixth form (which basically means I’m part of a team of people organising all the parties). I went to my first Halloween party which was a lot of fun. I got involved with a programme for NCS graduates that not only allowed you to create a social action project, but guaranteed you a job interview at the end of it. I became project manger of it, called Don’t Let Go, aimed at raising mental health awareness. There’s still so much more that can be done, but the link is here if you want to see it:
www.dontletgomh.com/ I wanted to do this because I don’t want people to feel the way I did; alone.

In terms of my future, I got replies from all my university choices. I now have to decide between my top two contenders, Warwick and Royal Holloway. It’s tough but I guess I’ll know in due time. In terms of DeviantArt…I’ve been here four years (Happy Birthday to me!) I have a lot of commission to catch up on (I AM REALLY sorry). I have a lot to catch up and will have it done by the New Year. However, as time goes by and as I get older (my milestone of an 18th birthday being 10-11 days into the New Year); I wonder what direction my art is taking. I mean, of course I’ll do fan art and pay homage to stuff I love but…I feel…different, as the 17-going-on-18 year old woman comparing herself to the 13 year old girl she was when she first formed this account. I feel like maybe I should move away from fantasy and fan-fiction and take a mature approach. Well, if I want people to take me seriously as an artist.

And I guess I’ve covered everything I wanted to cover. My one goal that’s DeviantArt oriented is to be more active and post more and reply to deviants within the community. I will be remaking this account again so…watch out for new changes I guess.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and have an incredibly prosperous new year.